three years old...

its amazing of all the amazing things God can teach you.
i just am sooo thankful for all the love he gives me.
this last week has NOT been an easy week, on top of being sick-
i have just had the HARDEST time with mateo. [both jackie and i have.]
he is three. enough said right..but yesterday and today i was just struggling,
i was just feeling utterly exhasted, my apartment just feels OUT of control,
and he is giving us a run for our money.. and i could just feel my whole entire
body just about to shut down.. and i just i dont know. i kept thinking
if i cant do this with someone esle child how on earth am i gonna be
able to do it when it comes to my own child. when i cant give them back.
and i was just having a hard time with this, cause my whole life i thought
that all i ever wanted was children... so that added a little bit heartache,
i called my mom and was like mom and pretty much was like i just need my mom.
i need my mom to just to reasure that its not me. that i can do this...
and that i am amazing with children. not that i wanted it to boast my ego..
but to know that its something that i shouldnt worry about. that all
children have there moments..
so during my GOD time, GOD showed me something,
he showed me that we are like his three year old.. that how many times do we
throw fits and say no no no i dont want to. and we purposly disobey him.... but he
NEVER gives up on us. he NEVER leaves us? so we are no better than a three year old not
listening to there mother, father, auntie...
and it just showed me that i was put into his life for a reason. he needs me and he loves me
just as much as i love him..


But GOD sure did put last weeks sermon to the test this week. He def. wanted to see if i would trust him in the 'even if' stage of my walk. i had a very hard week..
a week were everything seem to just not go right, or i took things way
to personal- its not like me to take somethings that personal, bit considering
how it went down, i think some people might see my point to a extent. it all
came down to acceptance and rejection. something that i DONT handle good at all.
maybe cause my whole life, i wanted to feel accepted my dad and all i got was rejected when he chose the bottle and drugs over us. i mean the situation didnt go that deep. but i think that why i took it sooo offensivly.
i am trying with everyday to wake up and go to bed with god. to read his word. to worship and just say thanks. taking 10-30 min a day and just allowing my relationship to grow. i find myself every once in a while stopping and closeing my eyes and saying a quick pray.

this month i would have bought a beatiful little baby into this world. and i think its hitting me that this is the month. this was my due date month.... God, help me please this month! its gonna make this month HARD!
it makes it that much harder cause it seems that where ever i look someone is having baby... and it just feels like just a constant reminder that i am not one of them. =/ november 8th,2010 [monday to be exact.] is haydan's birthday....i did estimtate due date thing that how i know...
November is always gonna be a month where i am never gonna want to come....