ill see you soon.

The last two days, i have never felt this alone. i never felt like i could not turn to anyone.. but these 2 days where probably the hardest two days since i found out i had the miscarriage. you would think those days were the hardest, dont get me wrong- it was horriable, but these past days i just broke. i broke and couldnt stop crying. i just cried and cried and cried. the hardest part- i felt alone! nowhere to turn, no one to talk to that just got it. that sat there and said, ive been there too. i feel that pain. no one that i could talk to and just ask questions, like is it normal still to be hurting after 8 months? is it normal to be jealous of all the women that are pregnant or just had a baby? is it normal to feel THIS lost? is it normal for only being two months along, to feel that attached and to feel this devastated? these feelings that i didnt know i still held on to this deeply... people kept telling me that i cant 'dwell' on the miscarriage- so i think in the back of my mind i just pushed it down. i forced the feelings to go away, when in reality those feelings will never go away.. i just didnt and kinda still dont know how to deal with the pain, but not dwell on the pain....

church is pretty much amazing, and my mother in law is an AWESOME woman of god and just has helped me keep things so focused on the LORD and reminded that god is THERE even when i feel like no one esle is.. she introduced me to an amazing woman, and they helped me see that this isnt a LOSS of child, cause my sweet baby Haydan isnt LOST, she very much alive in HEAVEN with GOD and all the other children. that is so comforting know that... it isnt a loss.. and that i will see the baby again, and that baby will know who his/her mommy is. they help me remember to just keep my eyes on the lord. that he is there. he is comforting me. that im not alone. that he knows my heart. and if in time, and its in gods will- he will provide ben and i a child.. wither it be through adoption or i give birth.. its on his terms.

there is one question that is so hard to hear..and that is: when will you and ben have a child? i mean normally its from people that dont know the situation, that havent seen us or really strangers that find out we are married- so i cant get to upset. i mean what do you tell them? that we have a baby, but the baby is in heaven? i mean that puts like a depressing moment and i would never want to make the person feel uncomtable... but at the same time its so hard to be asked that question...

Haydan Angel* i love you so much baby! and i know your looking down on mommy and daddy as your playing. i cant wait to meet you sweet baby. <3