the tears of a child.

i am in a dark place right now. i cant begin to describe how much i miss my dad. and i know the people that know me are like really he not worth missing, he treated you and your family horriable, and deserves nothing from you.. but he my DAD! i get envious and sometimes jealous when i look at other girls who have a relationship with there dad, and are daddy girls.. cause that was me. i was a daddys girl. my mom like my best friend- i can tell her anything- and she there for me through so much... but i just wish my dad wouldnt do what he does. i want to be close to him. i want to see him, but i know in the end- it only gonna become extreme hurt. and i cant allow myself to feel that way again, it took like two years for me to finally let go of most of the pain i held on to over the years. you know whats hard, is when he says i love you.. does he mean those words or are they words that are evenully gonna be turn around and used for manalpation? chances are the second one... for a child to sit there and have to wonder, does he really love me or are they just words? words that can save him. the love i feel for my unborn child, my child that is in heaven, the child i didnt get to meet- is more grater than any love- so i feel that love, and i think to myself- HOW? how can a parent not love a child?? and it kills me. i see fathers who dont want to spend time with there child, that they rather do there own thing than to want to see them. and its like really- this sweet sweet INNOCENT child wants nothing but your attention, and you cant give him that. it just kills me. it honestly just kills me... no child should every not feel loved by a parent. they didnt chose to come into this world. and the thing is.. they will always love you and feel i guess loyal to them, cause they ARE there parents!